Facing my demon………. Part 1

Thanks for coming to see me with such a short notice. Are you okay he asked and I answered that I was fine. I invited you for an interview because of your responses to the questionnaire you filled in with the health visitor few days ago the doctor said. It shows that you might be struggling a bit and you might need some support. I sat there looking confused and a bit surprised, the doctor went on and said, you have post natal depression (PND). ‘God forbid’, ‘I reject it in Jesus name’ – these were some of my responses  even without giving it any thoughts! You are wrong, I’m okay and I do not require any help, thank you very much. I was adamant I didn’t need any help and I told the doctor I was going to contact if I actually do need any help. Of course, it’s a busy day (when ever is it not!) and my 10 mins slot was over so he was happy with the plan for me to contact him if need be. I walked and never looked back – well changed my doctor surgery and never talked about that again!

Hmmm, few weeks after the birth of my son and during a regular routine visit from the health visitor, I was given a questionnaire to complete. The questionnaire is used to screen new mothers for PND in the UK (this was in 2008, not sure if the same is still used now). The doctor had invited me in because according to the questionnaire, I was suffering from or had high probability of having having PND.

At that time, I didn’t even think depression was real not to talk of me admitting I had it and needed help! As an African lady, I was brought up to believe nothing could knock me back!! I was brought up to believe I’m strong, powerful and could face anything or anyone! In my mind, PND was not having me at all!! I was stronger than it was!! I weren’t ready to accept it!! I’m also a Christian, why would I have PND??!! Jesus wouldn’t do that to me! He wouldn’t let such happen to me! I have faith! Hmmm, every single fibre in me refused to accept the obvious- I was struggling!! I rejected the diagnosis and help.

I read up more on PND and saw that I really had lots of the symptoms. I was constantly in low mood, my emotions were everywhere, my relationship with my husband then and our fights didn’t help the matter. Many times, I was overwhelmed and often thought I was drowning and couldn’t cope. I woke up some mornings and I knew that the only thing keeping me going was the fact that I had to be there for my son. I struggled in silence! I was in denial! I used my background and faith as excuse! My saving grace was that I never for once had suicidal thoughts at that time, instead, I was overwhelmed by the feelings of not wanting to disappoint my new born that I didn’t even sleep for days with excuses of trying to make him comfortable.

Amidst all, I had to encourage myself. Constantly told myself that I had to get better! I declared that I was well and was good by myself. At that time, I didn’t even pray!!! I was too stressed to think!! I tried putting things in place like forced myself to go out to help with my low mood. I watched comedy programs so I’d laugh more than cry!! I found my place of safety – church. Still didn’t tell anyone, professional or not, I didn’t want anyone in my business!!! I had mastered the skill of pretence and always found a way to make the world think I was the happiest person ever!!!

Looking back now, I don’t know how I did it, but I’m sure I made my life a whole lot harder by refusing help! Measures were put in place to support people going through what I did but what did I do? I let my ego, my pride stop me from accepting that help. At the time, I didn’t think it was pride, I thought it was faith! I thought it was bravery! I probably even convinced myself it was the best for my son and I, NO, it was silly and dangerous!! I could have easily been suicidal and went on with it!!! I was sick!!!! I didn’t have clear train of thought without a shadow hanging over me!!! I let ‘what people would think of me’ cloud my judgement and made decisions based on how others will see me!!!

Sometimes, I felt good for couple of hours tops and always went back to the low mood. That became a norm for me!! With all I was trying to do by myself, I didn’t get better. In fact, I got worse!!! I remember having a big argument with my husband then (who lived in Nigeria) over the phone and one thing led to another where I said I was going to leave him and he laughed at me. He said where did I think I could go? That I already had one kid and no one would ever love me with my child!! He told me I was ugly and I could never find who’ll take me like he managed to!!! Wow that was the trigger that I had been avoiding!!! Now, there was no running away from it, it kept playing in my head!!!

It got to that point where I couldn’t manage my thoughts anymore!! I wanted to escape it all!! I became suicidal! At part of me knew it was wrong!!! Spiritually, I should not be thinking of taking anyone’s life let alone mine!!! Morally, it was just not acceptable to me!!! My mum only has two children, it was cruel!!! Where would she start from??? My son, how would he cope??? BINGO, I messaged my friend and told her to make sure she gets my son to my mum if anything happened to me!! Ah! She called me straight away and started asking what was wrong. At that time, I didn’t care anymore, I just wanted to DIE!!! I didn’t know how, but I wanted it to be THEN!!! I had a knife in my hands because I was in the kitchen. I’m not sure if I was actually going to do it, my mind was totally blank!!! She on the other side of the phone was worried and called another friend who’s closer to me, about 50 mins drive on the motorway!!! My friend and her husband drove down, got my things together and took me with them to their house whilst my other friend stayed with me on phone. I remember us crying and praying together that night. That was when my closest people knew something was wrong!!!! I had hidden it at least 4-6 months!!! They were surprised but supportive!! I still refused medical help but now had support of people that I knew loved me truly!! They reminded me how kind I am and how the world needs me!!! I still hid it from my family, not because i didn’t trust them but because they were far away and I didn’t want them worried about me from afar. After a short while, I began to feel better!!! My loneliness reduced gradually!!! I even started looking for a job!!!! Soon enough, I got a job close to home, I got a childminder for my son. I had other things to focus on, my mood was lifted for a very long time!!!

Imagine if they had thought I was joking, where would I be now?? It would not be me putting this story out to inspire you!!! Imagine if they had laughed at me too!! Imagine if I didn’t even have anyone to talk to even to the end!!! A lot of ‘what ifs’!! Depression is an illness, just like any other, why look at it differently??!! Don’t judge others!! Be the saviour others need!! Even if it makes no sense to you, it’s their feelings, don’t discount or disregard it!! Make yourself available as the support system that your loved ones need!! Be consciously kind and considerate, you might never know whose life you save!!

If you’re depressed (or you have some symptoms), please seek help!! I can’t emphasis how much easier it became with professional help (I’ll show how it helped me in my future posts). Please accept help available and/or provided. You’re not alone!!! We’re survivors!!! There’s no shame in it because we came out (and are coming out) on the other side!!! I know that everyday is a struggle but isn’t it worth it??!! Surround yourself with the right people!! With great people that love you and you trust!!! Always be true to yourself, don’t push it!!! Develop coping mechanisms starting from explaining what you’re going through, what to watch out for and how to help you with your preferred trusted people!!!

Depression is real and is a real killer!!! Encourage one another and encourage yourself regularly!!!

Remember, in all that you do, Be inspired!!!